500 Miles
by raneonthewyndoepain
Summary: We all know the story of how James pursued Lily and Lily rejected him and James never gave up. But what if he hadn't been so certain? And what if his uncertainty had caused Lily to realize something she'd never considered before? AU.
1. Preface: Change

**A/N: So I was thinking the other day about Lily and James' relationship, and I know that we're all really invested in James' dogged, unfailing pursuit of Lily even though she rejects him daily for years, and I'm not saying it couldn't happen, but it is a little bit unrealistic, you've got to admit. With that in mind, the idea for this story popped into my addled head, and I decided to run with it. It's pretty different from anything that I've tried before in that I want it to be more funny than angsty, but we'll see what happens when I really get into it. Oh, and I don't own, obviously. I think Jo would probably be a little offended with how I'm manipulating her characters, actually...oh, well. **

_"Well I would walk 500 miles_

_And I would walk 500 more_

_Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles_

_To fall down at your door."_

_- _The Proclaimers

It was a subtle change, one that you don't necessarily register right away, like those puzzles where you try to figure out which thing is missing, and it always turns out to be an extra stripe on the guy's necktie or a tassel on a hat. Even though you didn't notice it at first once you realize that something is missing the difference between the two pictures seems obvious and you can't stop seeing it no matter how you focus. I'd always been terrible at those, and likewise it took me longer than it should have to realize that something was different, and longer still to realize what it was. I couldn't pinpoint exactly when, but I knew that somewhere in between two weeks and a month ago James Potter's debilitating crush on me, one that had continued for years despite my protests and refusals, had simply ceased to exist.

At least, that was what it felt like. I couldn't be sure exactly, never having been inside the idiot's head, but I did know that he no longer greeted me with his customary "Hey, Evans" in the corridors or "Evans, go out with me," at lunch. The solitary tulips (my favorite flower) which I had sometimes awoken to find resting on my nightstand were no longer. He stopped winking in my direction when he said something clever or regarding me with a mix of admiration and attraction when I mastered something difficult in class. As far as I could tell, he hadn't flirted with anyone else (not that I would have cared if he had, who James Potter flirted with was his business), but still, it was odd. Although I wanted to know the reason, I comforted myself with the fact that at least the long saga that he had created between us was finally over.

_____________

There's really only so many times you can get rejected by one person. I mean, I knew Lily hated me, and I knew she didn't take me seriously, but I thought I'd done a pretty good job of cleaning up my act this year. I made it a rule among the Marauders that we weren't allowed to prank anyone below fourth year, I stopped snogging random girls behind the tapestry after hours, and I even made an effort to pay attention in class, which was by far the biggest sacrifice. I ignored Snivellus and even called him "Snape" when forced to address him in one class or the other. I stopped showing off so much during Quidditch games and tried to be more of a team player. I tried to make friends with Lily to show her than I actually cared about her as a person and wasn't just interested in getting into her knickers. And the worst part is, _she didn't even notice. _She just went right on believing I was the same old arrogant toerag I'd always been.

To be honest, it pissed me off. I mean, I went to all that effort, and she _still _refused to acknowledge me? It wasn't like I wanted her to throw herself at me or anything (or okay, maybe I did, but I didn't _expect _her to). I would have been content with a cordial nod in the corridors. A smile would have put me over the moon for weeks. And if she'd let down her mile-high walls for just few moments one day and we actually had a conversation that didn't consist of me asking her out and getting cruelly rejected for the 351st time (yeah, I kept a tally), I'd probably have died of shock. But it was like she wouldn't let herself see the new me. Her eyes slid right past me just as they always had, and I realized that no matter what I did or how I bent myself out of shape for the girl, I would never be good enough for Lily Evans. And maybe, just maybe, I didn't want to be.


	2. The Seeker

**Author's Note: So, I realize that I haven't updated this story in about two months. But I was reading it today and this chapter just sort of happened. PLEASE PLEASE let me know if you want it to continue, because otherwise I may lose inspiration again. **

**Lily **

So, there was this party.

If you know anything about me, you know that I don't really "do" parties. Not unless you count standing awkwardly in the corner with "get me out of here", now splashed across my face in huge block type. But it was Alice's birthday and she did that bouncing things that makes you feel like a jerk if you don't immediately give in to whatever demand she's making of you, and then I said yes and she hugged me and squealed and promised to make me "even more hot than you already are", and I smiled because her enthusiasm was just so contagious and when was the last time I'd really had any fun, anyway?

So that was how I ended up perched gingerly on Alice's bed with a million curlers ensconced in my hair, wearing a shimmery sequined black shirt and waiting for an appropriate pair of pants to be tossed in my general direction. At least, I hoped it was a shirt. Alice didn't actually expect me to wear this as a dress, did she? I pushed that horrible thought out of my mind before it could mutate into something even scarier, like the possibility that I would be forced into heels.

_You promised, _I chided myself in my head, and coaxed a bright, happy expression onto my face. Despite my anxiety about Alice's shoe ideas, it was hard not to feel excited when surrounded by such frantic, cheerful activity. The wireless was playing a pop song by some wizard band I didn't know, but I could still appreciate the sunny, slightly inane lyrics: _You've got me like Devil's Snare/Got me so good it just isn't fair/And I don't ever want to see the sun/So squeeze me tight, 'cause you're the only one…_I lost track of the words as Alice swooped down on me, chattering away with Marlene about who was going with who and who was bringing the food.

"Oh yeah, there'll be butterbeer, of course, and Sirius said he might be able to get some fire whiskey! Oh, don't look so disapproving Lily, it'll only be a little, and we won't let the younger students have any, I swear."

"How can you tell I'm disapproving when my eyes are shut?"

"I don't know, I just can. All right, your eyes are done, now do this with your lips - Marlene, what do you think, _Sultry Seeker _or _Sexy Siren?"_

Marlene glanced in my direction and laughed; I was fighting to keep a terrified expression off my face. "Don't be scared, Lily, it's only makeup. And you deserve to have a little fun once in a while! C'mon, it's nearly Christmas."

I smiled reluctantly and reached for the lipstick: "Here, give me that. I think I'm more of a siren than a seeker, don't you?"

Snow began to swirl gently towards Earth as Alice, Marlene and I made our way to Hogsmeade. I was clad in the shirt-dress, which I only went along with because it was paired with heavy red woolen tights and these awesome leather boots that Marlene bought in some thrift store in London. Over this I wore my favorite gray peacoat, and my new curled hair tumbled free around my shoulders and down my back, adorned with a black knit cap. Alice wore a metallic silver dress which lacked a back and showed off her thin, dainty shoulders to their best advantage - when they weren't covered by the heavy white knee-length jacket she had added because "it completes the look…and also, it's freezing, god damn it." With this she was wearing silky black tights and some ridiculously cute black pumps that made my feet hurt just to look at them. Marlene, ever sensible, was clad in a deep green sweater, a leather jacket, jeans, and boots that somehow managed to nonetheless offset her amber-colored eyes and dark mahogany curtain of hair perfectly.

When we entered The Three Broomsticks, we put up our hats and coats and made our way into the back room which was reserved for Alice's party. It had been magically enlarged and decorated to resemble a small club, with everything done in silver and complete with it's own disco ball. As soon as we arrived, I gravitated towards the food table, but after a few songs and pleas from Alice, I was dragged onto the dance floor to lose myself in the music and the crowd which was already gathering.

**James**

I didn't really intend to bring a date to Alice's party. It was just one of those things that happened, like snow or rain. Or okay, maybe that's dodging responsibility a bit. I did ask Marlene. But I didn't expect her to say yes.

Asking out Marlene was one of those ideas that lingered in the back of my head half-acknowledged for years. She'd been the subject of a ill-advised fantasy or two, usually directly after I'd been cruelly rejected by Lily yet again. She was beautiful in that obvious sort of way, that pouty curvy statuesque kind of pretty that was worlds away from Lily's subtle, refined charm. And maybe that was why I liked her so much - because she was the exact opposite of Lily. Where Lily was cold, towards me at least, Marlene was warm and friendly. Where Lily was guarded and hated talking to people she didn't know, Marlene was the kind of person who would buy a beggar hot chocolate and sit with him while he drank it, listening to his stories and peppering his silences with her easy smiles. Where Lily had been furious when she didn't receive an "O" on her Transfiguration OWL, Marlene did her homework only when she felt like it and was pleased with mostly "Exceeds Expectations". It wasn't that she wasn't smart - she could cut you down to size using words you'd never heard in about three seconds if she felt like it - it was just that she saw life as more than a series of perfect grades and stepping stones on the path to greatness.

Anyway, when I asked her, it was one of those spur of the moment things. She was sitting by herself in the common room by the fire, which was rare, curled on the couch with a book in her hand. Her hair had fallen into her face, and when she reached up to brush it back, she saw me. Her face broke into a wide, happy smile, and she called out a relaxed "Hey, James."

It was the smile that did it, I think. I'd spent five years waiting for her best friend to smile at me like that, to look at me at all, and suddenly I was sick of it. I was tired of the waiting and the attempts to curry her favor and the gestures which went forever unnoticed. I wanted things to be easy, for once. I didn't want to have to plan out every move, every line so as not to offend. Before I knew what I was doing, I had made up my mind.

"Hey Marlene, will you go to Alice's party with me?"

Her almond eyes widened slightly, and for a second I thought I'd made a mistake. But then the smile was back, wider even then before, and she responded with an uncharacteristic softness: "I'd love to."

**Lily **

After about ten songs, I peeled away from Alice, screaming, "I need a drink!" I was sweating bullets and I wanted to see where Marlene had got off to. Before I could get to the refreshments, however, I was accosted by a very tipsy Sirius, who pulled me into a hug before I could stop him. As I tried to squirm out of his embrace, he made the unfortunate discovery that we were standing under a branch of mistletoe, and, pulling me unconsciously further into the shadows, he pressed his lips to mine, cupping the small of my back with his hand. It was warm and wet and not altogether unpleasant, but before I could even decide whether I wanted to shove him away or wrap my arms around his neck and forget everything he was gone, careening away to find his next victim.

I shook my head to clear it and started to make my way back towards the snack table, something caught my eye, something so unbelievable I had to blink several times before I was sure my eyes weren't deceiving me.

James was sitting in the corner of the room, and perched on his lap, snogging him with more gusto than I'd ever seen her do anything, was Marlene. Her dark hair cascaded down her back in its typical luscious waves. Her hands were in his hair and his were on her waist. As I watched in shock, one began to play with the hem of her sweater. I never saw the action completed, however, because the crowd concealed them again, and I spun around, feeling like some kind of sick voyeur.

I needed air. My head spun as I made my way over to the door of the private room and exited into the main bar. Most of the clientele were involved in raucous arguments over the latest qualifying match for the Quidditch World Cup and paid me no mind. Gasping, I leaned against the wall and attempted to smooth down my hair. I straightened my dress and tried to calm my trembling frame.

"All right there, love?"

My head snapped up. In the time it had taken for me to compose myself, Sirius had slouched off his barstool and sauntered over. He was still nursing a bottle of fire whiskey, but his gaze was steady, and I realized that he was not nearly as drunk as I'd believed. I didn't know whether to be intrigued or angered by this, as it meant that he'd had near-complete control of his faculties when he'd kissed me under the mistletoe.

As I turned all this over in my head, Sirius raised his eyebrows in an expectant fashion, and I realized that I still had not answered his question. An idea took hold of me then, and, since the world still seemed tilted too far on its axis, I decided to see it through to its completion.

"Sirius, can you trust me for five minutes?"

If you'd told me that afternoon that I would end up at 11 o'clock that evening locked in a closet with Sirius Black, I would have laughed you out of the room. Regardless, that was where I found myself, with the minutes ticking on toward midnight and Sirius looking at me with his typical lazy amusement. I knew he was waiting for me to make the first move, but I had no idea what he would do when my five minutes were up. With this in mind, I rested my hands on his broad shoulders and placed the lightest of kisses on his lips. He was very still. Feeling bolder, I pressed my lips more insistently against his. Still, he did not move.

Feeling frustrated, I took one of his large palms in each of mine and placed them on my hips. He got the message then, and with a small groan he acquiesced, sank into the kiss. Wrapping his arms around me, he pressed me against the wall and teased my mouth open. I had fistfuls of his hair in my hands and his hand grasped the fabric of my dress so that it rode up slightly, gathering at my spine. The other reached up to cradle the back of my head, tangling in my hair. His hips were grinding against mine and my hands explored his wide, muscular chest. He broke away from my mouth for a moment, and I would have cried out in protest had he not begun languishing kisses on my neck, working his way down to where my collarbone was singing with anticipation. "Lily," he murmured, and my name never sounded so good as it did hummed from under my jawbone. "Sirius…" I sighed back. "Lily, Lily…" Suddenly, Sirius' hands were gone from my hips, his lips from the space behind my ear that they had occupied so sweetly. "Lily, what the bloody hell are we doing?"

**A/N: Review or you'll never get to find out what happens after Lily snogs Sirius! Muahahaha. **


	3. Winter's Night

_Whose woods these are I think I know._

_His house is in the village, though;_

_He will not see me stopping here_

_To watch his woods fill up with snow._

_My little horse must think it queer_

_To stop without a farmhouse near_

_Between the woods and frozen lake_

_The darkest evening of the year._

_He gives his harness bells a shake_

_To ask if there is some mistake._

_The only other sound's the sweep_

_Of easy wind and downy flake._

_The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,_

_But I have promises to keep,_

_And miles to go before I sleep,_

_And miles to go before I sleep._

**Lily**

"Lily, what the bloody hell are we doing?"

I should have been irritated with him. Should have told him that it was my job to ask that - after all, he was the serial heartthrob who had a new girl clinging to some part of his anatomy every five minutes, and what was I? Just some silly sixth year with nine "Outstanding" OWLs who knew next to nothing about boys. But when Sirius spoke, I simply lingered close to him for a moment before sagging against the wall, a million fragmented images racing through my mind. Chirpy Alice smearing hair gel into her Jean Seaberg style pixie…dancing in the middle of the floor, surrounded by smiling faces…Marlene sitting on James' lap, her hand mussing up his already stupidly mussed up hair…I opened my eyes and discovered Sirius looking at me with more concern than I'd deemed him capable of feeling. "All right, love?" he murmured, one hand lifting my chin.

He was being so kind, and I could feel the tears coming, and I needed to get away. I never allowed anyone to see me cry. My closest friends had only been witness to it once, when my Nan died last January. Choking back the emotion that threatened to overwhelm me, I muttered, "I'm fine. Excuse me." And, reaching for the door handle, I fled, leaving a very confused Sirius in my wake.

**James**

Marlene was fantastic. Amazingly gorgeous and so easy to be around, not like those girls who seem to spend all their time picking at you to discover your weakness so they'll feel less insecure. Not Marlene. She seemed to pick up that I didn't want to talk about Lily without me saying a word or maybe she didn't want to talk about her, either. That would be strange considering they're pretty good friends. Whatever. The only sour note in the whole evening was when I got up to get some punch and saw Lily tearing out the place looking really upset. For a moment I was torn between wanting to run after her and wanting to find and pulverize the bastard who had made her cry. The moment passed and I went back to my brown haired beauty's pretty arms, but the thought of her trudging back up to the castle by herself in the snow made me feel strangely empty inside.

**Lily **

I was so preoccupied with getting out of The Three Broomsticks as fast as Marlene's boots would allow that I completely forgot my hat, gloves, and coat, inside. Luckily, I had my wand, and could cast a Warming charm, but the problem with that was that the pleasant sensation only lasted about thirty seconds before the cold began to seep in again. Not wanting to waste my energy, I cast the charm sparingly. My teeth chattered and tears still coated my cheeks as I began the long trek back up to the castle. Still, I couldn't help but notice the beauty of the still night - it had stopped snowing a few hours ago, and the white powder lay thick and lush on the ground, coating the terrain with an unbroken sea of white. The streetlamps of Hogsmeade bled warm yellow light into the indigo sky, and I found myself thinking that it would truly be a lovely night if only I had someone to share it with.

The crunch of footsteps behind me startled me out of my maudlin thoughts. "Forgot something?" a deep voice inquired. I halted in place, hurriedly brushing off my face with the heel of my hand before spinning around.

It was Sirius, holding my things. Taken aback by the gesture, I stood frozen as he helped me into my coat and placed my hat gingerly over my ears. Coming out of my trance, I pulled my gloves on hurriedly and drew my coat around me for warmth, stowing my wand in the inside pocket. I managed a watery "Thanks" and he simply nodded, looking undecided about something. Then, as if he had made up his mind, he gallantly held out his arm for me, presumably so we could walk back up to the castle together. I took it and we began walking in silence out of Hogsmeade and onto the tree-lined path that led to Hogwarts. There was something exquisite and foreboding about the forest on a night like this; it reminded me of a poem I'd read once…I shivered and unconsciously moved closer to the warm body next to me.

"So," Sirius ventured, breaking the silence, "it's been what, five whole minutes and I haven't even been cut down by the famous Lily Evans sarcasm yet. I was expecting a whole, 'I don't need help from the likes of _you_' scene when I brought your stuff. C'mon, Lils, you're letting me down here - what gives?"

His tone was one of gentle teasing undercut with a faint note of curiosity. He wanted to know why I'd raced out of the The Three Broomsticks like the hounds of hell were after me, I realized suddenly, but he was too much of a gentleman to ask outright. I looked up at him with half-wonder, half-incredulity in my eyes. Was it possible I'd had Sirius figured totally wrong? Maybe he wasn't a heartless bastard who used girls as means to an end…as quick as the though entered my mind, I banished it. It was possible that we could be friends, but my life was already complicated enough without having to worry about developing feelings for serial polygamist Sirius Black.

"It's complicated," I told him honestly, and he accepted that, although he still seemed curious. "Look, Sirius…what happened tonight…I'd appreciate it if we kept it just between us, yeah?"

He laughed, his black eyes twinkling. "Sure Lils, I understand. Friends, shall we say?"

I laughed too, encouraged by his easy way of being. "Sure, but only if you stop calling me 'Lils', it's revolting."

He nudged me playfully and I pushed him back before we continued our on way up the winding path towards the windows that glowed like jewels in the quiet darkness.

**A/N: The poem used is "Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening" by Robert Frost. One of my favorites, think half the world's with me on that one, though. Anyway, hope you liked the chapter. Sorry for the wait, but please review anyway! Thanks.**


	4. Broken Illusions

**Lily **

Breakfast the next morning was without a doubt the most awkward experience of my life. When I arrived at the Gryffindor table, Marlene was already seated in James' lap, giggling and spoon-feeding him oatmeal. She was wearing one of his shirts with the sleeves rolled up, but it was still far too big on her; the hem almost reached the knees of the same jeans she'd been wearing yesterday.

_Guess that explains her mysterious absence from the dorm this morning, _I thought to myself before I could help it, and the realization opened up a yawning chasm in my stomach that I was sure no food could assuage. More for appearances sake than anything else, I grabbed an apple, sat down next to Alice, and tried to avoid looking anywhere near the happy couple.

* * *

Marlene caught up to me after Transfiguration. When she tapped me on the shoulder, I could already feel the fight brewing, and for once, I had no desire to avoid confrontation.

"What?" I snapped, whirling around. At first, Marlene looked surprised at my reaction, but then her features hardened. She jerked her head towards an empty classroom near us, and I followed her in, being sure to leave the door slightly ajar in case either one of us wanted to make a quick exit. Marlene hardly waited until I had returned and perched myself upon the nearest desk to shoot her first query at me.

"Lily, what the bloody hell is your problem?"

I had no qualms about meeting her fiery gaze. "Me? You're the one with the problem, or have you already forgotten who you were sucking face with at breakfast? Hate to break it to you, Marlene, but he's definitely already forgotten about you."

Marlene's mouth fell open in a comically perfect O before she snapped it quickly shut, color rising in her cheeks. "Who I _suck face _with is none of your business, Lily."

Unconsciously, I had slid off the desk and was now standing in front of her. "Oh yeah? I thought we were friends, Marlene, aren't friends supposed to tell each other things like, 'Hey, I'm going out with the boy who's liked you for the past five years, see you at dinner!'"

At this, Marlene became absolutely livid. "You never liked James!" she screamed, her face screwed up with fury. "All these years you never give him so much as a _smile, _and now that he likes me, he's suddenly some kind of prize to you?" She laughed mirthlessly. "That is so typical Lily - you never see what's in front of you until its gone, and then you want it back when it was never yours in the first place."

The implication that I wanted James Potter to be _mine _drained all the fury out of me, replacing my anger with confusion and something other emotion I couldn't identify. "Marlene, I don't - I have _never _wanted to go out with James, and that's still true. He's an arrogant bastard who can barely tie his shoes without assistance. I thought you knew that. I thought you would never be so stupid as to go near someone like him. You do know he's only using you, right? Just as long as it's convenient for him, and then he'll move on and break some other girl's heart."

To my surprise, I saw Marlene's eyes filling up with tears. "You have no idea what you're talking about!" she burst out, impassioned. "You're just jealous because James doesn't want you anymore and it's making you desperate. On top of that, you have no experience with what it's like to actually date someone. Have you ever even kissed a boy without listing the pros and cons first? Have you ever even considered the possibility that I've liked James for a long time and been too afraid of what YOU would say to do anything about it?"

I stood silently, shocked into inaction, as this tirade unfolded. Marlene was sobbing in earnest now, I was torn between an urge to embrace her and an urge to slap her soundly.

"You were supposed to be my friend!" she cried at last before storming out of the classroom. I made half a move to follow her, but stopped when someone stepped into the doorway.

It was James. He had the most curious look on his face - like someone had just broken something very precious of his, an illusion, maybe. He looked from me to the corridor down which Marlene had fled and then back at me - a long, penetrating look.

"Is that what you think of me?" he whispered, almost to himself, and then, without another glance in my direction, he turned and left the door click quietly closed behind his retreating form.

**A/N: Short, I know, but I'm tired and this is the best I could manage at the moment. Sorry it's been a month. Sorry it's not my best writing ever. But at this point the story just needs to be advanced, and this chapter accomplishes that purpose. **


	5. Hate

**James**

I know I shouldn't have listened to Marlene and Lily's conversation. It was private, and it was wrong of me to just hang around like some kind of stalker. But I dare you to hear your name being thrown around that often and then just continue on your merry way as if nothing's happened. Especially when what you hear shocks you even though you know it shouldn't, and it hurts that you were so unprepared for the truth you've been denying.

Because after listening to that conversation, it was impossible to deny that Lily Evans hated me. I'd always thought that I simply annoyed her, sometimes to the point of infuriation, but when I heard her try to warn Marlene about me, there was no question that she really, truly hated me. It was the kind of hate that makes you dig your fingernails into your palms whenever the object of your wrath gets too close. The kind of hate that makes your skin crawl and your stomach churn. The kind that starts wars. The kind that dark wizards feed on.

Hearing that much hate in someone's voice? Well, it kind of makes you reevaluate your perception of them. I'd always thought of Lily an essentially warm and kind person whose temper sometimes got the better of her, but I never thought she had the capacity to be so cruel. To drag my name through the dirt when she had no grounds to make an honest judgment of my personality, and to begrudge Marlene a chance at happiness in addition to it all? I couldn't even begin to understand what kind of cold, bitter harpy would do that to a friend.

Basically, eavesdropping that day was the best thing that ever happened to me. Because it made me realize that after all these years of fancying myself in love with Lily Evans, I really didn't know her at all.

**A/N: There's another chapter coming right now. They just didn't work as one coherent unit. **


	6. Christmas

_December 25, 1976_

**Lily**

The snow fell gently against the glass, soft enough that it didn't obscure the garden or the chilly sky beyond. Earlier it had been coming down furiously fast outside the living room window, staining the pane with its persistent icy lashing, but now it wafted down in the quiet, steady manner I found so disconcerting. I didn't mind storms - I relished them, in fact - but when the winds died down and the hush fell over the world, coaxing every living thing into silence - I shuddered and turned back to the fire that was roaring in the grate, cutting off the sinister thought.

Just the sight of the cozy den all decked out for Christmas made me smile. I loved the scent of the pine that stood in the corner, the topmost tendrils of its branches scraping the ceiling. I loved the ornaments, many of them handmade by Petunia and I over the years, that had been cheerfully placed upon it by my mother. I loved the sound of her voice that drifted in from the kitchen as she banged around getting ready for dinner. I loved the sound of my father's old truck making it's roaring way up the drive. I loved the crunch of his footsteps on the path, his merry whistle, and the anticipation of the bone-crushing bear hug that I knew would be his greeting.

I hated the empty space that should have been my sister's, the empty bed across from me in our small, neat bedroom, the missing table setting at dinner, the deserted armchair. The imagined sight of her residing there, her quick fingers engaged in knitting or in flipping the pages of an Austen novel, coaxed a sad smile from my lips. I missed Petunia. I missed her steady breathing at night and the space her matching skirt and sweater sets took up in our old armoire. I even missed her snapping at me when I committed some heinous offense like knocking over a water glass or overcooking the biscuits.

Petunia had elected to spend Christmas with her boyfriend, Vernon's, family, this year, and my parents were too kind to protest. I doubted that Petunia would have listened to them even if they had. She was nineteen, now, of age and in her second year of university, a grown woman, as she never tired of reminding my mother. In truth, I thought that she was staying away because she didn't want to see me.

When I first started at Hogwarts, Petunia made it clear that she didn't want to have anything to do with me ever again. I'd lost count of how many times I'd tried to talk to her, to explain that Hogwarts was where I belonged, that my future lay in the world of witches and wizards, not the one in which we'd shared a childhood. It did no good. Six years later, she still steadfastly refused to speak to me more than absolutely necessary, and now it seemed that she had decided to start punishing my parents for my "abnormality" as well.

I sighed and went into the hallway to greet my father, feeling sick and lonely at heart.

* * *

Later that night, after Christmas dinner had been eaten and the fire had crumpled into ash, I lay curled in my bed with blankets wrapped tightly around me, listening to the wind howl as it seemingly shook the foundations of our small but comfortable cottage. Sleep eluded me, so with an irritated shake of my head I shrugged off the blankets and strode over to the window.

Although it was windy, the night was clear. The sail of the moon was at half-mast, and the stars sparkled enticingly from their perches far above my head. In vain I searched for the shape of an owl on the horizon. All day I had waited for a missive from my world, not wanting to accept that at the moment I was firmly entrenched in this one. It was always this way, but this year there was no sloppy-lettered Christmas card from the black-haired boy with the angel-planed face to rescue me from my boredom and regret. The past letters resided in their usual spot in a shoebox under my bed, alone with all the other small gifts he'd given me over the years - a necklace, a small wooden stag. I was too proud to look at them, but too weak to them throw away.

With the hope of a new addition vanquished, I sighed and trudged back to my slender bed, turning my face to the wall so that I would have to stare out of the window set in the slanted roof into the vast, deepening night.

**James **

Every year, my parents hosted a ball. Being Potters, it was expected of us, and the lavish party left no guest disappointed. Huge garlands of holly and fir adorned the ballroom, which had a caverned ceiling adorned with moving portraits of elves and cherubs and even St. Nick himself. Five pines of various stature were covered with strings of cherries, popcorn and tinsel and placed strategically around the room for our guests to admire. The tile was waxed until it shone, and my parents always hired some hip, modern-meets-classical band to serenade the dancers. Hors d'oeuvre, champagne, and other treats were circulated by sharply dressed caterers.

Normally, I enjoyed the party. Although there were definitely certain standards of etiquette to be followed, it was a hell of a lot more low-key than anything you'd find at the Malfoy's place, for instance. Tonight, though, everything felt forced. Sirius' laugh was too loud, Remus was too moody, and Marlene's low cut dress was too damn obvious. In fact, between her making eyes at me and the conspiratorial winks the Marauders kept giving each other when they thought I wasn't looking, I was beginning to wish that I hadn't invited her at all.

Convincing myself I just needed some air, I stepped out onto the balcony only to be assaulted by a freezing wind that killed my buzz in about two seconds flat. Well, you wanted air, I thought, smiling mirthlessly to myself.

"Enjoying yourself, James?" A familiar voice, colder than the bitter wind that whipped white crystals into my face, inquired from my right. A voice I knew and loathed.

Turning, I saw none other than Lucius Malfoy standing on the balcony beside me, his sleek blond hair wet from the snow. He was about half a decade older than me, having been a seventh year when I was a first year at Hogwarts, but even then, I remembered his cruelty, the hateful looks he'd always sent my way, his complete lack of respect for Dumbledore or any of the other teachers at the school. I remembered him bullying the younger students, telling Lily to "Watch it, Mudblood," when she accidentally ran into him in the corridor -

When the image of that particular red-headed harpy entered my brain, all rational thought made a hasty exit. I realized I'd forgotten to send her my customary Christmas card, and actually felt guilty before I remembered the horrible things she'd said about me to Marlene. _What does it matter, she probably just chucks them in the fire, anyway_, I reminded myself, before forcing my distracted mind to focus on the man who stood before me.

It was known, though not publicly, that Lucius Malfoy was a Death Eater, a member of that crazy cult that had started up a few years ago, led by a man who called himself Lord Voldemort. At least, people wanted to believe it was a cult. As the son of an Auror, I knew better. The Death Eaters were a small group of powerful Dark wizards who masked their undoubtedly illegal activities with a strange mix of secrets, deception, bribery, and seduction. Disenchanted with the status quo, which they considered to be too lenient on Half-bloods, Muggles, and Muggleborns, they were bent on bringing people around to their way of thought by any means necessary.

I'd often wondered why the Ministry didn't simply arrest the creeps and be done with it. The problem was that they concealed their identities so well, it was impossible to link any one of them to the crimes the Ministry felt certain were their doing. As a group, they couldn't be blamed because although the message they preached was disgusting and reprehensible, it wasn't illegal to preach it. "Although I hate what you say, I'll defend to the death your right to say it" and all that crap.

So it's probably fair to say that I'd never hated freedom of speech more than I did when confronted with Lucius Malfoy's despicable mug on that windy December night. Without it, the man would most likely be behind bars as I was sure he deserved to be, although with his father's wealth, it was impossible to be sure. An exchange of galleons, a new wing added to St. Mungo's, and any incident involving the torture of half-breeds or Muggles could be covered up, forgotten. As I considered this, my lip curled in hatred and disgust, and the next words out of my mouth perhaps did not reflect the sane, cautious side of my personality.

"What the hell do you want, Malfoy?"

His eyebrows shot up and for a moment his aristocratic face was frozen in a state of icy disapproval. Tense, I waited for the terse, disdainful response I expected him to volley back at me any moment. It never came. Instead, he burst out laughing. The light from the ballroom glittered on shiny white teeth, and I drew back slightly, my cautious side returning.

He didn't seem offended, though. On the contrary, he was extremely amused. "And that right there is exactly why I'm here, Potter. My master is so amused by your temper. That and your _fascinating_ disguise. Precocious, I'll admit. But wholly unnecessary. When you join us, you will have the luxury of hiding in plain daylight at any moment you wish, and no one will dare disturb you."

My blood ran cold. He knew about my Animagus! And not only that, but he was talking about my initiation into his cult as if it was a foregone conclusion, as if his "master's" word was as good as law. From the ice running through my veins, I knew that the threat wasn't idle, but I had to stay calm until I could consult my father.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said, casually running a hand through my hair as though I were honestly flummoxed. Then, I let my voice harden as I looked him dead in the eye. "But I do know that I have no interest in joining anything you belong to, Malfoy. And you can take that to your master."

The man's ice blue eyes twinkled devilishly in the moonlight as a slow smile spread across his face. "Oh, believe me. I will."

**A/N: Yeah, I know, it's been a while, and I'm sorry. But there are a lot of things I should be doing right now, such as my summer reading, scaring the raccoon off my porch, and filling out the Common App. Not necessarily in that order. Anyway, I guess my story has decided to be angsty after all. Go figure. Sorry if this wasn't a very exciting chapter. I like it. Expect more soonish, even if I am applying to college - I like this story too much to give up on it. **


	7. Desperate

**A/N: In light of the fact that this story is currently rated T, I find it necessary to include a content warning for this chapter. Nothing graphic actually happens, but a hell of a lot is insinuated, and if that makes you uncomfortable, my advice is to turn around now. **

**Lily**

I awoke late on December 31st to find the world once again cloaked in snow. With a sleepy mind I idly watched it fall outside my window, my body too sore to drag out of bed just yet. I'd taken to going on these midnight runs when I couldn't sleep, and while it served as a temporary cure for the insomnia, it wreaked havoc on my system the next day. When I moved, every muscle in my body, including some I didn't know I had, groaned in protest. Unfortunately, it was New Years Eve, and that only meant one thing for me as a friend of Alice Wynn's - I had a party to attend.

Recognizing the futility of resistance, I sighed, and with one last longing glance at the flakes melting on my window pane, flung off my warm duvet and prepared to face the world.

* * *

Alice's parties, were, in a word, spectacular. While it was never certain exactly what would be on the itinerary for the evening, one could generally be sure that it would involve fireworks, a live band, and copious amounts of butterbeer. With her parents away on business, it was guaranteed that the evening would be twice as wild as usual. They reminded me of something of Gatsby's creation, with revelers roaming about freely in the gardens as well as throughout the house. Tonight, she had decorated the expansive garden with tasteful glittering white lights and garlands of mistletoe (never mind that Christmas had passed a week ago) to which couples were already flocking.

Yet, you couldn't exactly call Alice irresponsible. She never drank, she always made sure the house was spotless by the next morning, and she looked after her guests almost to the point of paranoia. I vividly remembered the incident in 5th year when some Slytherin gatecrashers had been seen entering a room with two very intoxicated 4th year Ravenclaws. I had seen the expression on the smaller one's face morph from excited to afraid as the rather burly Slytherin boy took her brusquely around the waist and tugged her through the door. I had watched all the color drain from Alice's face as the water glass she had been tilting to her lips slipped from her grasp and shattered. And I could never forget the way she had marched up the stairs, a diminutive pixie quaking with fury, before blasting open the door and hexing the two Slytherins into oblivion. Nor would the gentle way she had settled the girls in after sending owls to their parents with messages about their whereabouts soon fade from my memory. The lecture that she had given them the next morning before embracing them and sending them off, chastised but safe, still rang in my ears.

So it was safe to say that although Alice threw wild parties, she knew where to draw the line. Her protective instincts, which had caused her to refuse to let younger students drink at her soirees this year, were even more intense when it came to her friends, and although she often seemed like an airhead to those who didn't know her, they also hadn't seen the welts she'd left on that beefy Slytherin's neck. I knew, that despite her flightiness and her love of fun, that the girl would make a great Auror someday.

* * *

Sometime toward midnight I got ensconced in a game of Spin the Bottle. The players were comprised of me, Alice, Sirius, Remus, Peter and this Margaret girl who I didn't really know who I suspected had been guilt tripped into coming along simply to make the numbers even. I had informed my parents that I would be staying at Alice's that night, but every so often as I glanced longingly at my watch, I wished that I had told them I would be home late instead.

"Alice, do we have to do this?" I whispered as everyone gathered in a clumsy shape that more resembled something you'd expect to see under a microscope than an actual circle. "I feel like I'm in Third Year!"

Alice, to my horror, giggled. "I know!" she squealed, and actually had the audacity to clap her hands together in delight. "Isn't it great?"

I groaned and moved back to my spot with ill grace, receiving only a playful swat at my leg from my supposed best friend for my trouble.

The game held my attention for longer than I had expected. Both Remus and Sirius were good-looking in very different ways, I mused as I considered them. Sirius was roguishly handsome, with the whole hair-in-the-eyes shirt-halfway-unbuttoned come hither charm that was in theory off-putting but in reality pretty sexy in its raw display of confidence. Remus, on the other hand, was much more refined. His appeal lay in the fact that he had no idea how attractive he was, with his mussed light brown hair falling into dreamy, unsettled blue eyes. His jaw line was slightly softer than that of Sirius, but no less masculine; on the contrary, the cut of his face made Sirius's seem rough by comparison. Margaret, the girl whose name I hardly knew, was an ethereal beauty with white blond, wavy locks and tranquil hazel eyes. Her thick mane was trimmed into alluring 60's style bangs at the front, and she had lovely collar bones, I noticed suddenly. I'd never kissed a girl, and still didn't intend to if the bottle didn't dictate it, but it occurred to be that if I was forced to snog a member of my own gender, Margaret wasn't a half bad-choice. Even Peter looked better than usual tonight, like he'd lost some weight, maybe. The childlike roundness had vanished from his cheeks and he seemed to sit taller than usual.

Sirius went first, and after a gentlemanly peck on Alice's lips, it was her turn. She spun and got me, which made my eyes go wide (I had no intention of kissing my best friend, regardless of the rules), before she laughed and kissed me sloppily on the cheek, plopping the bottle in my lap without ceremony.

As the game continued, I discovered that Remus' expertise lived up to his subtle good looks; his kiss was sweet, yet skilled, and deepened at just the right interval before he gently pushed my hair back from my face and pulled away. Peter was too embarrassed to do more that press his lips to mine, but Margaret surprised me.

I was sitting with on a raised cushion with my legs out in front of me, my hands comfortably supporting my weight. Wasting no time after the bottle pointed in my direction, Margaret stood up, strode over to where I was seated, and promptly straddled me. I gasped in shock and she took it as an invitation, attacking my mouth with gusto. She took advantage of my surprise to slip her tongue in between my teeth and explore my mouth with a voraciousness I would not have believed possible. Cupping the back of my head with her hand, she ground her hips into mine so hard that I lost my balance and slipped backwards into the rug. She then used my surprise as an excuse to slip her other hand under my shirt, at which point I had had enough. Growling in protest, I grasped her waist to lift her off me, and that was when the unthinkable happened.

The door flung open. There was a blinding flash and a scuffle, and suddenly her weight was gone from my body. I sat up immediately, heaving a deep breath, and what I saw was so unlikely that it seemed impossible.

Standing in the doorway possessing a camera and a wicked grin was a Seventh Year by the name of Rita Skeeter. And rushing past her after wrenching herself out of Sirius's hold was a blond girl whose hair was turning black at the roots as her angelic features dissolved into beady eyes, thin lips, and a familiar, hooked nose.

**James**

I didn't really want to think that night. So when Marlene came up to me with her two sizes too small Weird Sisters T-shirt and that short jean skirt showing about a mile of lean sexy leg? I didn't think. I just acted.

Grabbing her hand, I pulled her down a long corridor into one of the Wynn's many guest bedrooms. Shutting the door behind us, I immediately whirled around, pressed her up against the wall, and proceeded to snog her senseless. Moaning, she leaned into my kiss, pressing her breasts against my chest, and I lost my head completely.

Grasping her waist as tightly as though it was the only thing anchoring me to the world, I picked her up and placed her as gently as I possibly could down on the bed. My attempt to ask if she was okay was cut off by a frantic kiss followed by an equally frenetic undoing of the buttons on my shirt, which I decided to take as a "yes". Before I could blink her shirt had also been discarded, and the black lace bra I had been feeling under her shirt for ten minutes was visible for the first time. It was pretty, but, being a man, I was much more interested in what tempted me from under that lace. I reached around to undo the clasp, but before I could Marlene had flipped me over and was leaving a trail of kisses from my mouth to my shoulder down across my heart to my lower abdomen. I closed my eyes, and her quick fingers were already at work undoing my belt buckle when I murmured, without conscious thought, the worst thing imaginable -

"Oh God, Lily, _yes."_

**A/N Cont: It all seems kind of f***ed up right now, doesn't it? And it is, but not for the reasons you'd think. Or at least, not most of them.**

**Please leave a review with your thoughts.**

**BTW - I almost forgot - I couldn't find Alice's maiden name written anywhere, so I randomly substituted my grandmother's. If you know what it actually is, assuming that it exists, please let me know.  
**


	8. Coward

**James**

Marlene didn't actually break up with me that night. She was too busy storming out for that. The worst part was that she didn't even bother to get fully dressed before she slammed the door behind her - she just looked at me with eyes full of betrayal before scooping up her shirt and storming out the door. Or maybe when my voice broke during the seventh message I left on her answering machine.

Maybe the worst part was how pretty she looked the next day when we met for coffee, with her rosy cheeks and her knit cap and her shiny mahogany hair falling in swirling curtains around her face. Or the way her brown eyes weren't angry, just sad. Or the fact that even though I had hurt her, she was still decent enough to let me say my piece. Or how, despite the grand speech I had prepared the night before fell apart in my mouth and all I could choke out was "I'm sorry."

She stared at the snow pattering gently down for a full minute before answering me. "You know James, it's ironic, because she was right, you know. You were just using me." I started to protest, but she held up her hand and I was silenced. "I know you didn't mean to. I know you'd never hurt someone like that on purpose. But the fact is that you did."

She turned to me then with those distant, sad eyes, and smiled. I think it was the smile that did me in. I tried to speak, to deny it, but I couldn't and she knew it. She covered my hand with hers and her words pierced me like a lance in the chest.

"I love you. You love her. And there's nothing either one of us can do about it."

**Lily**

I was glad when things resumed their normal pace. January flew by with no parties whatsoever, which was fine by me as I'd sworn off them entirely. The only thorn in my side distracting me from schoolwork was the Valentine's Dance, which I, as a Prefect, was expected to help plan. The fact that I hated Valentine's Day with a passion and wasn't actually planning on attending the dance made no difference, I was still required to participate.

That, however, I could have dealt with. It was what happened on February 2nd that made my normally safe world a living hell.

The morning started off innocently enough, until I started attracting strange looks at breakfast. Guys elbowed each other when I walked past, and girls whispered, looking suspicious. I sat down in my normal spot next to Alice and took a piece of toast, trying to appear unconcerned, but my hand trembled. Then, when the fourth person I made eye contact with shook his head in a rueful sort of way and held up his hands in a what-can-I-do gesture, I dropped my toast in frustration.

"Alice, why is everyone looking at me like I'm some kind of freak?"

Alice, who has been chattering away in her usual fashion up until then, waved her hand airily. "Oh Lily, it's nothing. Really, you shouldn't worry about it. Trust me. Anyway, I told Remus that I absolutely-"

"Alice," I interrupted her calmly, and with a sigh, she broke off. "All right," she acquiesced, a worried frown permeating her smooth brow. "I think it's stupid, honestly, and I wasn't going to mention anything about it unless you asked, but do you remember when Skeeter barged in on us on New Years Eve? Well, it looks like she finally developed her film." With that cryptic statement, Alice reached inside her sweater and pulled out a glossy photograph, which she passed me under the table.

And I had to hand it to Skeeter then, because the two girls kissing in the picture weren't moving. It was a Muggle photograph, and a damning one, because you couldn't tell from a still photo that my hands were pushing her away. Instead, it looked like we were two girls who liked having an audience. I shuddered as I looked at the white hand creeping under my sweater. Having the entire school think I was a lesbian when I wasn't was humiliating, but Snape disguising himself as a girl just so he would have an excuse to violate me? That was sickening and wrong and it made me feel dirty in a way that kissing a member of my own gender never would.

I was hanging up posters for the dance that Saturday night when I heard footsteps from down the corridor. Wary after a week of teasing, I kept my hand on my wand concealed under my cloak and chanced a quick look over my shoulder, hoping the peek at my sudden companion would go unnoticed.

No such luck. It was that fool McClaggen approaching with two of his cronies in tow. We made eye contact briefly and his face broke into a wide grin. I turned back to the wall and busied myself with the poster, but it was too late.

"Oi, Evans!"

I suppressed a groan, and, keeping my voice distant, offered a bored, "Hey, McLaggen," in the hopes that if I greeted him he would simply continue on his way.

I should have known better. He was heading in my direction even before I acknowledged him. I concentrated on hanging the posters and tried to ignore his greasy presence, but it was impossible. He was a tall, broad shouldered guy who was currently invading my personal space.

"So, Evans…" he mused, his hazel eyes twinkling in a way that some girls in my year found attractive, "I heard you play for the other team now? Is it true?" His mouth was at my ear and his breath smelled like spaghetti. Gross. I pretended to be very intent on the poster I was currently hanging, but it was no use trying to ignore him. He merely moved closer and snaked one outsized arm around my shoulders.

"C'mon Evans, give me a shot. I bet I can bring you back around. Hell, bring your girl if you want. I love a good show." And with that his meaty hand slid down to squeeze my ass as his friends laughed at the horrified expression on my face. Furious and sick of being treated like a particularly succulent steak, I drew my wand, but he was backing away before I even had it trained on his face, his gaze fixed on something behind me.

I whirled around to see that the last person I would ever expect to come to my rescue: Severus Snape. His wand was pointed directly between McLaggen's eyes, and there was no mercy in those familiar black ones.

"Touch her again," Snape uttered in a voice like cold fire, "and I will kill you. Do you understand?"

I watched the color drain from McLaggen's face as he answered with false bravado. "You wouldn't dare, you coward."

"WOULDN'T I?" Snape screamed wildly. With a flick of his wand one of the small statues that lined the corridor exploded. McLaggen shielded his face as the fragments dove toward him, but they stopped a few inches from his face.

"Do not test me," Snape advised him, his breathing still hard. "You have no idea what I'm capable of, and even if you don't believe I'll do it, you know my friends. Do you trust them to have mercy?"

Slowly, McLaggen shook his head, casting a frightened look at the fragments that still threatened to pierce him. His supposed friends cowered behind him, too stunned and stupid to have thought of drawing their wands.

"Apologize to Lily," Snape commanded, and McLaggen muttered "Sorry, Lily" under his breath. "Now get out of my sight," said Snape with the utmost revulsion, as if considering an insect he had crushed beneath his foot. McLaggen and his cronies fled without looking back, and Snape left the shards tumble to the ground before sagging, shaking as violently as a slender branch in a hurricane, against the wall.

**A/N: What do you think, is Snape the good guy, the bad guy, or both? Will James take Marlene's words to heart? Please review, it makes my day, and it makes updates faster, I swear. **


	9. Innocent

**Warning: Although nothing is explicitly mentioned, some may find the content of this chapter somewhat disturbing. Please know yourself well enough to be the gauge of your own tolerance. Thanks. **

**Lily **

As I stood there watching my childhood friend fall to pieces before my very eyes, a strange combination of emotions took hold of me. My body's natural reaction to McLaggen being gone was one of profound relief, which was easy enough to comprehend, but the rest of the feelings that had seized me were a little more difficult to sort out. I felt anger, certainly, because without Snape's sick prank I would never have been put in this situation to begin with. But I also felt curiosity - if Snape didn't mind touching me without my permission himself, what difference did it make to him if others decided to take the same liberties? And as he sagged against the wall, I felt unwilling compassion stirring in my breast. He looked so broken and vulnerable, and I had to fight against my natural instinct to embrace him and tell him that everything was going to be all right.

Shaking off that irrational desire, I decided that my curiosity was about to be assuaged. He owed me that much, at least. My wand was still drawn, and I shot some red sparks out of it to get his attention. He looked up, and the expression on his face was so innocent and lost that I had to choke back a sob. It was hard to keep my distance and remember that how much he had hurt me when this was _Severus_, my childhood friend, the person who'd introduced me to magic…

"In there," I commanded brusquely, jerking my head towards the door of an empty classroom just down the hall. It hurt me to see how promptly and resignedly he followed the order, as if he was used to being shuttled around like an animal at wandpoint, but I refused to let him see my discomfort. Once we were inside the classroom, I shut the door behind us, took a deep draught of oxygen to steady myself, and cried, "_LEGILMENS!_"

_I was walking down a dark corridor, utterly alone. Or so I thought. Just as I was about to round the corner, the figures appeared out of the shadows, graceful and light as smoke, but so much more nightmarish with their knowing grins. They leered at me, and I knew I wasn't going to get away with it this time. They were going to make me hurt her to prove a point, and there was nothing I could do to stop it…_

_I lay trembling in my bed that night, _cowering_ under the covers like some sick insect allergic to light…they'd gotten that girl involved now, Skeeter, and the worst part was that they didn't even have to _Imperiuse _her to do it. They just told her the time and place of the scheduled humiliation and the greedy little leech was all too eager to comply. I wondered why they would even go to this much trouble for her, and then I realized that it wasn't about her pain, not really. It was about mine. It was about making me, their supposed friend, suffer. They wanted me to grovel at their feet, to beg forgiveness for loving something so impure…yeah, they wanted my pain. Not that they wouldn't enjoy hers, too…_

_It was the night of the party. I walked along the corridor in a state of utter surrender, my limbs propelled by invisible puppet strings. Every time I'd fought back I'd been rewarded with a cruel beating and threats on Lily's life. Both of those I could have dealt with - I could take a hit, and they weren't powerful enough to kill her, not under Dumbledore's watch - but I'd seen what they were thinking, when they let their guard down. When I fought back I'd caught glimpses of their sick fantasies, peeks into their ugly minds…I'd seen that they found Lily attractive despite their outward claims that her blood made her disgusting, that they could smell the uncleanliness on her…it was all a front. They wanted to _hurt _her, to take away her innocence, to make her all sad and broken like them…and I couldn't let that happen._

_I gave up. I let them control me, humiliate me, force me to take on a girl's form - all for her. I saw their plan, I knew that they wouldn't take it too far, not with so many people watching. At least not tonight. Tonight, they just wanted my pain and a little retribution for that time Lily helped her friend Alice hex them into oblivion when they crashed one of her parties last year. I waited patiently, biding my time, not even giving them the satisfaction of screaming silently inside my head. And truthfully, it was all going according to their demented plan, until I looked at her. _

_She was…radiant, that was the only word for it. Even tonight, when she looked a little tired, she was still so beautiful. Her wine-red curls fell in shining spirals around her face, her green eyes sparkled in delight at the silly, innocent fun, and a sweet blush tinted her porcelain skin. And then, right when I had made up my mind that I wouldn't do it, that I would leave the room now and deal with the consequences, her spin landed on me._

_She looked up at me calmly, with a strange mix of curiosity and apprehension in those jade eyes I loved so much, and I lost any semblance of control, giving myself over to that curse that now felt like a blessing. I leaned toward her and the world tilted with me, and then my disguised lips were on hers and it was heaven and hell wrapped into one because she didn't want them there, was only putting up with them because of the game, but oh, what a sweet inferno. My eyes drifted shut and my hands were on her waist and then it was just hell because they were drifting under her shirt and I couldn't stop them any more than I could stop the burning…she was shoving me away and they were commanding me to kiss her still more ardently and then the door opened and there was a hideous click and I was gone, fleeing the scene of the crime as the last vestiges of my disguise melted away. _

_Somewhere in the distance, someone was laughing. _

I staggered back against the desk nearest me as the memory let me go, deposited me back in my own body with a thump. I touched my lips and then raised my eyes to see Severus' face cast in a tortured expression, one hand reaching out to me in futile agony…and against my better judgment I took his hand and held it firmly in mine as the shoulders of the boy who used to be my best friend were wracked with ceaseless sobs.

**A/N: *sheepishly* Hey there, guys. I know. It's been a very long time and this is rather short, but I promise I had good reason. At any rate, I hope you enjoyed having the mystery of Snape's behavior solved at last, and if this chapter was at all worth the wait, please review. Either way, I'll update as soon as I can. **


	10. Trust

**James **

_She was running ahead of me, laughing, her deep red hair billowing behind her as she whipped her head around to see how close I was to overtaking her. The grass shimmered in golden waves for as far as I could see, and if not for the bright spot in the limitless expanse of blue above me, I would have sworn I was soaring over the surface of the sun. Her laugh rang out like a clear bell, followed immediately by my coarse echo. My lungs burned from the chase, but I knew it would be over soon… _

_With a lunge, I overtook her, seized her around the waist. Although she had been running full out a second before, the moment she felt my hand on her hip she slowed, relaxed into my hold. I spun her round, clasping her close, and we fell together, trust personified. _

_The golden stalks broke our fall nicely, and we lay there tangled as our breathing settled. She wound herself around me, laid her head against my heart, and in that moment I wanted nothing more. She was radiant, shatteringly lovely, but I did not want to taste those soft lips or caress her creamy, rose-tinted skin. I just wanted to hold her until we faded away, grew old in silence, because in that moment my entire world, my past, present, and future, was cradled in my arms. _

It didn't last. How could it? Nothing perfect ever does. But in this particular instance, it didn't last because I woke up.

A few days after I had the strange dream, I was lying in bed staring idly at the window. I had a free period, so I was just killing time before Transfiguration started. I was simultaneously thinking about Lily and trying with everything I had not to think about Lily, because I knew that the version of her that had invaded my dream world had only form in common with the one that inhabited my waking life. Lily would never trust me, and she could certainly never love me. She thought I was a conceited, spoiled git who preyed on those infatuated with him. She thought I didn't care about any of the girls I dated, and that I dumped them all the minute they ceased to satisfy my needs.

Honestly, this couldn't be farther from the truth. Even last year, before I realized the depth of Lily's hatred for me, I still looked at every girl as a potential escape from her. It wasn't that I didn't want to be with them, and I never treated them badly when I had to break it off. It was just that none of them were her. Even when I tried to distance myself from my infatuation as much as possible, dating girls that had nothing in common with Lily, the best thing about them would always remind me of her.

Take Ana Whitaker, for example. On the outside, she and Lily shared absolutely no attributes. While Lily was petite and slender, Ana was tall and curvy. Her deep black hair, smoky dark eyes, and tanned glowing skin made her complexion the polar opposite of Lily's. Where Lily was shy, she was outgoing. Where Lily was studious, she didn't give a damn. But her kindness to a lost first year one day in the hall reminded me of the time I'd seen Lily consoling a crying girl of the same age in fourth year, and just like that, I couldn't stand to be with her anymore.

Delia Bradshaw was also very different from Lily, with her pin-straight blond hair, bright blue eyes, and bubbly personality. But her excitement one day when she stayed after to discuss a spell with our Defense teacher was too reminiscent of the obvious happiness in Lily's voice whenever I overheard her discussing magical theory with Flitwick or McGonagall, and with a twist of my stomach, I realized that we were over.

The situation with Marlene wasn't so different. I liked her because she wasn't anything like any one of her best friends, or so I'd thought. But when she proved to be just as fragile and good as the girl I couldn't stand to offend, I knew that that was the end.

It had always been too hard not to love Lily, and the dream I couldn't help dwelling on reminded me of that. But then I remembered her cruelty to Marlene that day, her totally flawed judgment of me, and thought that it was about to get a whole lot easier.

**Lily **

I was failing. There was no other word for it. The encounter with Severus the day before, the continued teasing I had to put up with because of the whole New Years Eve incident, and the fact that Marlene and I were still on the outs, had rendered me physically and emotionally drained. My concentration was wrecked, and it showed in my spellwork. Every time I tried to cast the relatively simple Bubble Head Charm, a group of annoying Ravenclaws who sat in the back of my Charms class would burst into giggles and the iridescent film which had begun to enclose my head would rupture, much to their amusement. I wanted nothing more than to put my head down on my desk and sleep, but I knew that Flitwick would dock points from my class participation grade if I did so, and I refused to let all the stupid non-scandal surrounding me effect my grades. As tempting as it was to accept defeat, I kept my head up and ignored my classmates' cruel, derisive titters. I knew that they loved seeing the mighty Lily Evans get knocked down a peg, but I refused to let them see how much my lack of competence today was bothering me.

When class was dismissed, I rushed out of the room so fast I left my Charms notebook and favorite quill behind, but there was no way I was going back into the lion's den to retrieve them. _Let Ellen and her minions have them_, I thought bitterly. _It's not like _you _need them anyway considering you've just proven yourself to be a drooling idiot - _

"Oi! Lily!"

A familiar and totally unwelcome voice sounded from behind me. In disbelief, I swung around to see Sirius Black hurrying in my direction, holding my notebook and quill aloft. I didn't know whether to feel relieved that my possessions were being returned or annoyed that he was probably going to berate me for what I'd said about his best friend, since I was sure Marlene had passed that tidbit along. In truth, I'd been feeling increasingly awful about the way I'd treated Marlene, but I'd spoken my honest opinion of Potter, and my pride would not allow me to retract it, even if the cost was the cold shoulder from a girl I'd considered a sister since age eleven. _But after all_, I thought pessimistically, _being someone's sister doesn't mean they can't decide they hate you, and never speak to you again…_

I was absolutely paralyzed with horror to feel tears spring to my eyes as I thought about the people I'd either lost or alienated. Petunia, Severus, Marlene…it was all just too much! Was there something wrong with me? Was I doomed to always either cast away or be cast off from those I loved? Would Alice be next? My parents? Was I going to end up alone and bitter, disillusioned with the world and universally despised?

Hastily, I ended this melodramatic train of thought and quickly turned to the wall, wiping away the tears that had spilled over despite my best effort to keep my eyes dry. Hunching my shoulders, I prayed that Black would just take the hint and go away, but it was no use. I heard his footsteps slow, and then all of a sudden there was a hand on my shoulder. I started, but he disregarded my surprise, moving so that he stood beside me, close enough to keep the conversation private without invading my personal space.

"Hey, Lils," he said softly, and his ridiculous nickname for me made me laugh despite my misery. "There's that smile we've all been missing," he added gently, and then, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Unable to speak, I nodded. Handing me my notebook and quill, he placed a warm palm on my spine and guided me wordlessly to a classroom, where we sat down in two desks near the front of the room. Now that I had recovered slightly from my miniature breakdown, I was positively burning with questions, and I didn't hesitate to give voice to my most pressing concern.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" I choked out, not really caring how it sounded. I needed to know what was in this for him. I forced myself to look him in the eyes, and to my utter shock, he burst into laughter.

"How is this _funny?_" I demanded impatiently, not bothering to alter my accusing tone. This only made him laugh harder. Sighing rather childishly, I folded my arms and leaned back against the desk, waiting for him to enlighten me. When he finally managed to contain himself, I was surprised at the steadiness of his gaze.

"I'm sorry, Lily," he said earnestly. "It's just so _you. _I'm trying to help you, and you're suspicious. You think I just want something from you, right? And you're trying to figure out what it is so that you can figure out if it's a price you're willing to pay."

A coldness permeated my chest as I realized the truth of his words. God, was I really so guarded and manipulative? I didn't have to look hard for the answer. People didn't refer to me as Gryffindor's Ice Queen for nothing. At last succumbing to my despair, I rested my head on the cool desk, moaning "I should have been in Slytherin."

Sirius snorted. "Lily, I know you're depressed, but don't talk rubbish. You're not a snake. You're honest and loyal and brave and kind, and yeah you have this weird thing where you can't trust people - like at all - but that doesn't make you a bad person. Neither does one rash thing said when you were really mad and scared and confused. Everyone fights with their friends. The only difference with you is you're too damn proud to give in and too stubborn to forgive yourself. You gotta work on that, Lils. You can't spend your whole life beating yourself up."

Sometime during this speech I had raised my head and was now staring at Sirius with my lips parted, completely aghast. He smiled at my expression, a firelight glittering in his black eyes, and seemed to guess what I was thinking.

"Yeah, I know about that," he continued gently. "And it was a bloody terrible thing to say - I'm not denying that. But I don't blame you. James, bless the stupid prat, has never given you any reason to believe that he's anything other than a - what was it you said, you have such a nice way with words - oh yeah - 'arrogant, bullying toerag', wasn't it?

I simply gaped at him still. He plowed on determinedly.

"What I'm trying to say, Lily, is that I forgive you. I know you don't believe me, but you're wrong about James, the same way you're wrong about me. Think about it - up until now, you probably thought I was the biggest jerk on the planet, right? And I'm not saying I didn't give you cause to think that. But I'm telling you right now, Lily, the world would be a lot darker of a place if people weren't allowed to mess up. You _would _be a bad person for having said those things to Marlene, and there'd be no going back. Is that really the kind of world you want to live in, Lily?"

He was making sense, but I still had a grain of stubborn, untrusting resistance left in me. "What do you want me to say, Sirius? I'm sorry, I had you all wrong, and Ja- Potter, too? I'm sorry, but I can't give you that. That's just not the way I am."

Sirius' face broke into a wide smile, surprising me yet again. "Well then, I guess we'll just have to prove it to you, won't we?"

**A/N: I know, I know. It's been forever. I don't really have anything to say for myself other than that I'm super busy with college applications and I'm sorry. If you still care about this story, I'm glad, and as always, it would mean the world to me if you would leave a review with your thoughts. **


	11. Swept Away

**Lily **

"Sirius, are you _sure _about this?"

Tearing my gaze away from the mirror in which I had been worriedly contemplating my reflection for the last fifteen minutes, I threw a harried glance in my companion's direction. Sirius, however, looked irritatingly unfazed, and (as much as I would die before admitting it aloud) roguishly handsome as always, black hair falling into piercing grey eyes as he paused from straightening the cuffs of his dress robes to look up at me. The illusion was ruined, however, when he let out a low whistle.

"Damn, Evans, if I had any doubts before now -"

"Finish that sentence and I will hex you so far into Oblivion you won't live to fail your NEWTs," I growled, and tried to keep my hand from shaking as I applied my dark red lipstick. The shimmery green formfitting dress I wore was a find, I could admit that. From the front, it looked fairly innocuous, a lighter green lace forming a strict yet sweet neckline, the bottom spinning out into tulle beneath my quaking knees. But aside from the few tendrils of lace which reached over my shoulders, the back was sheer to the small of my spine, made of fabric that was transparent but for a slight shimmer. My hair was held back with an emerald pin and curled 40's style - I'd always had a flair for the vintage. But I couldn't help wondering if it was way too much for the Valentine's Day Dance. For the hundredth time that day, I lost faith in Sirius' plan, and would have said as much had he not beat me to it.

"Seriously, Lils, don't worry about it," he said, the teasing tone fading from his voice. "I've got everything under control."

And, like an utter fool, I chose to believe him.

**James**

I couldn't believe I was going stag to the Valentine's Day Dance. Hell, I couldn't even believe I even attending the dance at all, let alone by myself. But I figured I'd rather be "that poor sod without a date" than "that poor sod who sat alone in the Common Room by himself all night pretending to do homework."

To make matters worse, Sirius had mysteriously disappeared around five that evening, muttering about needing to "take care of something." If that wasn't bloody suspicious then I don't know what was.

I walked to the Great Hall with Remus and Peter, and it didn't escape my notice the way that Moony kept running his hand distractedly through his hair and staring broodingly off into the distance as if there was somewhere he'd much rather be. I'd seen the way he'd looked at Alice as she met her date at the entrance to the Common Room, but I pretended I hadn't. I knew he'd never ask her out due to his conviction that his condition would necessarily make him a terrible boyfriend for anyone, let alone someone he cared about as much as Alice. (Actually, I think "unfitting suitor" was the phrase he used, and you better believe I took the mickey out of him for that one.)

I avoided eye contact with the swarms of tittering girls that were gathering outside the entrance to the Great Hall and hurried in, barely pausing to notice the decorations in my beeline for the punch table. It looked nice, I suppose. Everything was very tasteful and refined, with candles providing most of the light at each of the small tables and enough roses to be romantic but not cloying. Little sparkling lights filled the air, and with a jolt I realized they were actually enchanted fireflies. The milky way stretched above us, the magical ceiling serene. I definitely recognized the hand of a certain girl I didn't want to name in the designs, and the very thought made my stomach twist uncomfortably. I took a drink of punch only to realize that it had been spiked, and not delicately. I deliberated reaching for a bottled butterbeer instead, but in the end, my less-than-practical side won. I just wanted this night to be over, and anything that helped to speed that process along was fine by me.

**Lily**

Sirius and I attracted no small amount of staring as we swept into the Great Hall, me praying that I wouldn't trip and trying to keep my head held high and ignore the whispers and giggles that followed us wherever he went. I wanted to bolt, and I could tell Sirius knew it from the iron grip he maintained on my arm as he steered me onto the dance floor. Naturally, the fast song had faded away as soon as we arrived, and Sirius wasted no time in pulling me close. I resisted, trying to keep a cautious no-contact space between our bodies, but it made me clumsy. After the third time I tripped over his feet, I finally acquiesced with a sigh, moving closer so that his mouth was by my ear. The feel of his break so close to my neck made me uneasy, and I was glad when he finally spoke.

"Lord, Lily," he chuckled, "you'd think I'm the Loch Ness monster the way you keep trying to get away from me."

"As opposed to what, Britain's most eligible bachelor?" I shot back. I could feel him smiling. "Just because I'm not an initiated member of the Sirius Black Fan Club-"

"As if I'd let you join-"

"Oh, you're a member, that one I believe. Party of one, is it?" He pulled away from me slightly, and the roguish grin slipped away, replaced by a sparkle in his silvery eyes. Then he leaned in close to murmur softly in my ear, "Lily, I could have pretty much any girl in this room besides maybe McGonagall and you know it. I'm not sure why you're not equally susceptible to my charms. Maybe you're defective?"

"Defective!" I nearly shrieked, pulling away from him. "God, are you really that delusional? Did you ever stop to think that maybe you're just _not my type?"_

Sirius just chuckled in that infuriating way of his, and I would have left him standing there like an idiot had it not been for the several heads that were now inclined our way, eyes bright with curiosity. Hating myself for caring, for agreeing to whatever this was, for not having the strength to walk away, I let Sirius take my waist again. I could hardly believe his audacity when he had the daring to whisper in my ear.

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe you're just not mine?"

I let my eyes narrow. "I wasn't aware that you had a type other than 'breasts'".

Again with that grating laugh. "Harsh, Lily. Seriously, will you give it a rest? Believe it or not, I'm trying to help you. It's a bit difficult to explain right now, and I'm not the best with this sort of thing, but…I don't like seeing my friends in pain. And I'd be honored if one day that description could include you."

Shocked by his suddenly fierce and reverent tone, I couldn't help but mutter, "Don't hold your breath." He just smiled, and against all reason, I let my head rest on his shoulder for a brief moment before the music shifted again. I felt Sirius stiffen against me and I lifted my head to look him in the eyes, confused.

"Sirius, what's wrong?"

All of his prior self-assurance was gone, replaced by something that looked like a strange mixture of panic and determination. His jaw had gone hard, and his hair was in his eyes again, although he didn't seem to notice. "Lily," he began, grasping my shoulders firmly, "do you trust me?"

**James**

I couldn't believe it when I first saw them together. To say that I did a doubletake was the understatement of the century. Then, all of the pieces began to click into place. Sirius' odd distance from me for the past couple of days, his strange excuse this afternoon. As I watched them swaying lightly from side to side, his hand gripping the small of her back, his mouth at her ear, the confusion began to melt away, to become something darker. But nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.

The moment the music switched to something with a more up-tempo beat, Sirius literally swept Lily away. I knew he'd had dance lessons, but this, this was something else. One moment his hands were expertly twirling her, the next they were at her waist, the next they were supporting her as he spun her in the air. Lily, helpless and laughing, could barely keep up. And all that, I could have withstood, though it did turn my insides to ice when he placed the rose between her teeth. Giddy, she placed along, shimmying those exquisite shoulders back and forth, and if it was a dagger to my heart when he plucked the rose from her perfect mouth and tucked it into his vest, the finale is what finished me. Suddenly, his lips were on hers as he dipped her low so that her white neck was extended, only breaking the kiss when he set her gently back on her feet.

**A/N: Oh hey, it's been like six months! Sorry about that, crazy year. I think I had a feeling I wanted to come back to this story sometime, though, and I hope you feel the same. **


	12. Rifts and Reparations

**Disclaimer: I don't own. We know how Jo feels about the forbidden romance - strict no-no! Oh, if only the books had the same Harry/Hermione bent as the movies…**

**Lily**

When Sirius set me back on my feet, my head was literally spinning. The events of the past few moments felt surreal, like those of a dream, and I couldn't quite decide whether I wanted to awake. Part of me wanted to slap Sirius soundly for his daring. Most of me wanted to run screaming from the hall. And another part of me that I didn't want to acknowledge wanted something else, something that had to do with the intense look in Sirius' eyes right before he kissed me. Before I could realize what that something was, however, I pushed it away.

The dream became a nightmare when James strode over and, without ceremony, punched Sirius squarely in the jaw.

**…**

"Lily! Oh, my God! We were wondering when you were going to get back! What the hell just happened?"

"That was mad!"

"I can't believe you've got the two best-looking boys in Gryffindor fawning over you! Okay, that came out wrong…"

Ignoring the questions from my roommates, I sat down on my bed with my back to them and began pulling off my shoes. My feet were sore and blistered from the heels, but I didn't have the energy to inspect the damage. Instead, I curled up on my bed in the fetal position, back still to my friends.

"Christina, Holly, could you please leave for a moment?" I requested tiredly. "I really need to speak to Alice and Marlene alone."

"But-" Christina began in protest. I knew she was dying to find out what happened. Christina was a huge gossip, and even though I liked her, I knew that if I repeated the scenario in her presence, it would be all over the school by tomorrow.

"C'mon, Christie," urged Holly. "If Lily doesn't want us here, we should go. Besides, I think I left my quill in the common room. Let's go look."

"Thank you," I murmured. To my horror, I found myself tearing up slightly at Holly's kindness. I shut my eyes to keep the welled-up saltwater from spilling out, swallowed hard, and sat up. I felt a reassuring hand on my shoulder, and turned to find Alice sitting on my bed, her eyes very worried. To my distress, Marlene was also filing out along with Holly and Christina.

"No!" I cried involuntarily. Marlene halted, and though she didn't turn her head, I could see that she was shaking with fury. "Marly…" I tried again, more softly, using the nickname I'd come up with for her in first year. "Marly, please stay."

At this, she whipped around, silky mahogany curls flying about in her rage. "Why, Lily?" she demanded, and her voice was harsher than I'd ever heard it. "Why should I stay? So you can insult me again? Suggest that I'm a whore, in case the intimation wasn't clear enough the first time? Malign the character of someone else you hardly know? Please, enlighten me."

"No," I said softly. Strength returned to my voice as I continued. "How about so I can apologize?"

Something flickered in Marlene's eyes before they hardened again. To make up for her brief lapse, she folded her arms across her chest and regarded me with an imperious gaze. It went against everything in my nature to go on when the other party was so clearly unresponsive, but somehow, I continued.

"I'm sorry for insulting your relationship with James. You had every right to go out with him, and I had no right to say those things about him because you're right: I didn't know him. I still don't. But I do know you, Marly. I know you're not a whore. I would never think that about you, and I'm sorry if you felt like I suggested that. I'm so sorry I hurt you, I really am. But even more than that I'm sorry I didn't realize…"

Something had changed in Marlene's face. She looked like she was on the verge of unfolding her arms. I felt Alice's hand on my shoulder, and I knew that these next few words would either make or break what I had to say.

"I'm sorry I didn't know. That you liked him. I should have. I haven't been the friend you deserve, Marly, and I'm so sorry for that. But I'm going to try and do better…if you'll let me."

Alice squeezed my shoulder, and I knew she thought I had done right. But it all hinged on Marlene now. I waited anxiously for her reaction, and I don't think I've ever felt more relieved than when she let her arms drop to her side only to stride over and fling them around me.

"I've missed you," she admitted as I hugged her back, and I knew we were both choking back sobs as I whispered, "I've missed you, too, Marly.

**….**

"So, when did you start liking him?"

I couldn't quite look at Marlene as I posed this question. I was still too overcome with shame not only over how I'd treated my friend, but over how I'd failed to realize something that was clearly important to her. Alice, Marlene and I were all lying on my bed polishing off the last of the chocolate I'd gotten for Christmas. Christina and Holly had long since returned and gone to sleep, but I'd cast the Muffliato charm that Severus had taught me before our friendship had ended so as not to disturb them.

There was silence after I spoke, and I started to worry that I'd mucked things up again. "I mean, if you feel like telling me," I backpedaled clumsily. "I understand if you don't."

"It's okay," Marlene said slowly. "I'm just thinking. I guess it was after Gryffindor won the cup the first time, you know? And I said, 'Congratulations, Potter, your points from the Quidditch Cup really helped us out there,' and he said, 'You helped, too, what about all those points you got in Transfiguration?' And then he smiled and leaned sort of close to me and was like, 'Please, call me James.' And…no, this is too cheesy."

"No, go on," I urged, my head reeling. The first time Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup while we were in school? But that had to be -

"Well, I guess that was the first time I noticed his eyes, you know? Like, they're hazel, but they have these little flecks of blue and gray in them. And I just thought that was so unusual, I guess."

I was stunned into silence. Ignoring my immobility, Alice reached over my stomach and gave Marlene's arm a reassuring squeeze.

"Second year," I stated stupidly, finishing my thought from before. "You've liked him since _second year? _Oh, Marlene…"

"Don't," she begged, and there was real pain in her voice. "Don't pity me." Breaking away from me and Alice, she sat up on the edge of my bed and, drawing her knees to her chest, buried her face in them. I was still shocked, thinking of the myriad of ways James had tried to win my affections since second year. The time he'd made a banner that said, "Hogsmeade next weekend?" and held it aloft after winning a Quidditch match. The time he'd transfigured the grass on the front lawn into letters made out of roses that read, "Go out with me, Evans?" The two weeks before the holidays last year when he'd actually acted out the song about the twelve days of Christmas. The many unreturned greetings in the hallways, the failed attempts to start conversations. Seeing it through Marlene's eyes, I was able to see how cold I'd been, and it broke my heart to see how it must have hurt her. My vitriolic hatred of James seemed comical now. Sure, I'd had my reasons to dislike the boy, but now it seemed that I'd been far more cruel than was necessary, and I was genuinely sorry.

As I stared at Marlene's hunched shoulders, I felt tears spring to my own eyes once again, a new feeling taking hold of me. Impulsively, I sprang up and perched beside Marlene, one of my hands gripping her shoulder.

"Marly, look at me. Please."

Hesitantly, as if she was half-afraid of what I was going to say, Marlene lifted her head, and as apprehensive as she was, there was more bravery in her eyes that I'd ever demonstrated, and her courage only served to fuel the epiphany I was having now.

"Pity you? Marlene, how could I pity you? Should I pity you because you put yourself out there? Because you let yourself feel for someone, knowing you could get hurt? Because you made choices that weren't necessarily the safest bet? Marlene, look at me. I'm seventeen, and I've never had a real relationship. I've never allowed myself to feel anything real, to put myself out there to get hurt. There's a reason why people call me cold, Marly. I am. I don't know why. I think the part of me that's willing to let people in shut down a long time ago. You and Alice only just managed to get in before the wall went up. Pity you? Marlene…it's you who should pity me."

My speech finished, I let my gaze drop to my lap, and was thus totally blindsided when Alice hurled herself bodily in my direction, throwing her arms around my neck.

"Oh, Lily!" she cried "don't talk like that, please! You make it sound like there's no hope, and of course there is! Look at what you've just done! Oh, I'm so happy we're all friends again! I was trying so hard to stay friends with both of you but it's been so d-difficult…"

Alice began to sob in earnest then, and both Marlene and I instinctively embraced her. When we drew back, Alice laughed a little, wiping her tears away.

"I'm sorry. I know this isn't about me. It's just that it's been so hard, knowing all this time, and not being able to say anything to Lily…"

From the shade that suddenly came down over Marlene's face, wiping it blank of emotion, I knew that she hadn't intended for me to know that. Looking from one to the other of them, I couldn't help but ask the obvious question.

"How long have you known, Alice?"

Alice blinked, and then she hiccupped loudly. "Oh, damn. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry, Marlene…" Her voice went up so plaintively on the last few words that it was impossible not to believe her, and I was relieved to see that the momentary empty look that had hidden Marlene's emotions from me was gone now. Instead, she was wearing an "Oh, well" sort of expression.

"She's known since third year," she said, her voice strong. "And Alice, I'm not angry with you. I think the time for keeping secrets is over. Which brings us to you, Lily…I think it's time we get to understand what the hell happened tonight."

**James**

I don't think I've ever been so angry in my life as I was when I saw Sirius kissing her. All of a sudden, it didn't matter that I'd decided I didn't like Lily anymore, or that we'd never even been on one date. Sirius was my mate, and there are rules that come with that. Unspoken ones, but ones that everyone knows. He knew how much Lily meant to me, and in the past, he'd always gracefully avoided her as a conquest. Not that she would have dated him anyway. And that made it worse, really. The fact that he'd always been so good about the Lily thing, only ever teased me about it lightly, never enough to actually sting. His past kindness couldn't change the facts of the situation. He was my best mate, and he was kissing the girl that I'd liked for the past five years of my existence. In retrospect, I guess it makes sense that I didn't even think of magic. Something more primeval took over when I saw them together, something dark and possessive. I could have reached for my wand. Instead, I lost my mind.

**…..**

After McGonagall finished screaming at us, after she sentenced us to a month's worth of detention, after she deducted 50 points from Gryffindor, after she banned us from all further Hogsmeade trips this year, after I stormed off, after everyone had gone to bed. That's when I went looking for Sirius, and I found him in the first place I checked. I didn't bother to close the door to the Astronomy Tower quietly behind me. I let it slam, and pulled the cloak off my shoulders as I did so.

To his credit and my deep irritation, he was not angry. Instead, he just gave me a well-worn smile and said, "Hullo, James. Come to finish me off, have you?"

If it had been any other situation, I would have laughed. Instead, I tried to adjust my posture to something less menacing and took a step back, letting what I hoped was an expression of cold indifference fall like a curtain over my face. "No. I came for an explanation."

He pressed his lips together, looked at the ground, and sighed before glancing back at me. "Ah."

I could feel my earlier rage returning in stages, and I fought to keep it off my face. "'Ah?' Is that really all you've got to say for yourself?"

There was a long pause before Sirius spoke, his gaze resting on some point above the Forbidden Forest. Finally, he broke the silence. "I suppose you wouldn't accept just an apology, would you?"

"You're right about that."

"Well, then. You know, it's just…there's a funny thing about explanations. Sometimes they do more harm than good."

"Goddamn it, Sirius! I'm not interested in riddles! I'm interested in knowing why my best mate just betrayed me in front of everyone we know!"

Finally, he seemed to come to some sort of decision. Meeting my gaze for the first time in moments, he said steadily, "I was trying to help her."

"Help her? Help her how? By humiliating all three of us in front of the entire school? Fat lot of help you did all of us with that one. Really brilliant plan, there."

"You know, it was, actually," Sirius said thoughtfully, "except for this part. This part, I can see I mucked up a bit."

"Really? And do you mind telling me how this was supposed to unfold?"

"Well, it was quite simple, really," he admitted dispassionately. "You see, Lily's been dealing with all sorts of controversy ever since that stupid picture got circulated around the school, and she's been on the outs with Marlene ever since that fight they had about you. So I figured, what better way to get the entire school to stop talking about Lily and Mystery Girl than to get them talking about something else? And Marlene hasn't been talking to Lily, you see, but I'm sure she'll be too curious to resist hearing how this one came about. Lily will tell her that it was simply to get everyone to stop questioning her sexuality, which she believes is the truth, and in the process they will make up and be great friends again. I'll bet you ten galleons the three of them walk down from their dormitory tomorrow as if nothing ever happened."

I considered it. It did make sense, in the twisted sort of way that meant I wasn't about to take that bet. But something was missing.

"Very clever, Padfoot," I admitted. "But tell me, where do I factor into this little plan? Did you plan on acquiring that," I asked, gesturing to his black eye, "or was that little flourish just to prove the criminal mastermind is still human?"

Sirius chuckled, and the sound grated on my nerves so much that I felt my hand tighten into a fist once more. "No. That was to make it believable."

I almost lunged at him again, then, I swear to God. The only thing that held me in check was our current altitude and the time of night, which made another fight far too risky. Still, it took a moment for me to restrain my emotions. When I had myself in check once again, it was my turn to give a derisive laugh.

"Since when do you care what anyone thinks about the mighty Miss Lily Evans? Or are you just trying to bed her?" I saw something flicker in his face when I said this, a touch of anger, and I continued my taunting. "Go on, admit it. I bet you could. You'd be the first, you know you would. Would you enjoy that, you sick son of a bitch? Would you be _gentle _with her?" My voice twisted so much on the word gentle that it was barely recognizable, but I plowed on. "Would you -"

"James," Sirius said. "Stop this. I don't want Lily. I never have. And every word you say just proves that you're still in love with her."

I stopped short, considered him. "You don't want her? On your life! Swear it!"

Sirius did not blink as his cold black eyes found mine. "I swear on my life that I do not want Lily Evans. I don't have any feelings for her other than those of a friend. I never have, and I never will."

I almost believed him. Really, I did. But then, the index finger of his right hand twitched almost imperceptibly. I'd know that twitch anywhere. It was the same slight shudder that always came out when he was lying to Filch or spinning a good one for McGonagall. It was his tell.

"You're lying." I stated, almost disbelievingly. He might have still convinced me, then. But when he tore his gaze away from mine to consider the Forbidden Forest once again, his cause was lost. I almost felt sorry for him, for a moment. But then I felt the full weight of his betrayal crash down around my shoulders, and I couldn't resist one last parting jibe. Donning my cloak, I turned back to shoot my last comment over my shoulder.

"You should never have been in Gryffindor. You should be in Slytherin with the rest of your bloody coward family. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can go back where you belong."

And with that, I pulled the night over my head and started back down the long staircase, ignoring the sound of my former best mate sliding to the cold concrete.

**AN: Woah! I think that may be the most I've ever written in one stretch. It was almost cathartic - I guess I'd been holding it back for a while. Please let me know what you think! Are you still enjoying the story? What do you think of the possible love triangles we have going on here? Are you mad at me for abandoning Severus? Most of all, I'm itching for feedback on this last scene - I'm not a boy, I'm not sure how they fight! Lol. **

**Oh, also - please don't misunderstand me while reading this and think that I believe being a lesbian is somehow a bad thing. It's just that I know how difficult those sorts of things can be in high school, and that's where Lily's temptation to set the record straight comes from. She's not prejudiced, I swear - just insecure. **


	13. Naughty

**Lily**

_I started suddenly against the wooden table, my eyes snapping open and flying instinctively to the wizarding watch that Alice had given me for Christmas. Breathing a sigh of relief when my disorientation abated and I realized it was only three in the morning, I let my head fall back onto the page of the book I had been frantically studying. It was exam time, and I was driving myself mad as usual cramming. _

_ Sighing, I straightened and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I was tempted to just go crash on one of the loveseats in the windows, but I didn't want to deal with the chaos that would be Madam Pince if she found me there in the morning. Besides, my chest was still thrumming with the adrenalin of thinking I'd missed my exam, and despite my extreme exhaustion I didn't think sleep was going to be a possibility again anytime soon. I stood, stretched, and began slowly gathering books to my chest._

_ It was when I was shelving the last of them when I felt it. Electricity singing up my spine. There was someone behind me, very close. Before I could move or scream his breath was on my neck, one hand on my hip and the other gently lifting my hair off my neck. I was utterly frozen, trembling, something akin to terror roiling in the pit of my stomach._

_ "Up late again, are we?" A smooth baritone, rife with amusement. I recognized that voice, just like I recognized the scent of his cologne, musky like old books and yet clean like the scent that rolls off the ocean. Or maybe it was just him. _

_ "Yeah, studying for exams," I managed. To my horror, my voice was a breathy whisper rather than the strong, even tone that had been my goal. "You should try it sometime." My second attempt was more respectable. _

_ A throaty chuckle. "Yes, but that would distract from much more entertaining pursuits." With that he pulled me roughly against him so that our hips were aligned, and I couldn't help the gasp that escaped my lips when I felt him hard against me. And then his lips were on my neck, worshipping the underside of my jawbone, making their way towards my clavicle. I let my head rock back against his shoulder as one hand traced circles, tantalizingly light, on my breast. He took my skin between his lips in a way I knew would bruise and I was irrationally glad to have him mark me in such a way. I let out a small moan, he moved against me, and suddenly neither one of us could stand the mounting pressure anymore. _

_ My hand flew up to cradle the back of his head and he moved in hungrily, his other hand, which had been gripping my hip, plunging downward suddenly. Our lips collided at the exact same moment as his hand slipped into my knickers, not bothering to undo the clasp on my skirt. He took my bottom lip between his teeth as I rocked my hips against him involuntarily. Laughing, he broke the kiss for a moment without ceasing the motion that was driving me to abandon._

_ "Careful now, love, or I might get carried away…" With that remark he stopped dancing around my clit and plunged his nimble fingers inside me. I cried out in surprise and pleasure and he paused, probably afraid that he'd hurt me._

_ "No, no, don't stop…please…"_

_ "So wet," he remarked by my ear, and I could have sworn I heard him smiling. Before I could do more than let my eyelids flutter at the sensations I was experiencing, he playfully nipped my earlobe before withdrawing his hand, spinning me around, and lifting me up, hands gripping my ass. I responded the only way I could: by throwing my arms around his neck and snogging him fiercely. He kissed me back and carried me easily over to the nearest table, where he deposited me gently and growled in a low voice, "Lay down."_

_ "What?" I replied, breaking the kiss for a moment to truly look at him for the first time. His shaggy hair was mussed and his coal black eyes were full of liquid fire. _

_ "Lily…do you trust me?"_

_ I couldn't find words, but managed to nod, because somehow, against all reason, I did. In response, he took my face between his hands and kissed me with a tenderness that surprised me. _

_ "Then lay down," he commanded, and I did so, feeling that strange sensation in my stomach grow into a roar. This time, though, I recognized it for what it was: not terror, but excitement. _

_ By the time that my shoulder blades touched wood, he had already divested me of my knickers, tossing them carelessly aside. He lowered his head torturously slowly, keeping eye contact with me until it was no longer possible, and then ducked deftly under my skirt with a grin that made me ache for him even more. And then he commenced to destroy me with aught but his mouth. _

_ "Oh…oh…yes, there…oh, right – OH MY GOD, YES, DON'T STOP, PLEASE…"_

_ At that moment I was seized by a wave of pleasure unlike any I had ever experienced. My hips bucked of their own accord, and he held them steady as my back arched. He held me as I sat up, shaking violently, still coming down from the high of my orgasm. I wrapped my legs around him as tightly as they would go and whispered, "Sirius, I want you inside me, right now."_

And then, to my endless chagrin, I woke up.

**A/N: Haven't updated for nearly a year and I come back with a sex dream. No wonder. Changed the rating, so don't get your panties in a bunch. Love it? Hate it? Let me know.**


	14. Nice

**Disclaimer: Do not, own, quite obviously.**

**A/N: Trigger warning for sexual assault. Actually a plot point, so don't go off on me in the comments, please. I know I use this trope a lot but I feel like I have an actual use for it this time… if you disagree, let me know in the review! **

**James**

Of all the things I expected Lily to do, the very last one was to show up for mine and Sirius' detention on Friday afternoon. We were already seated on opposite sides of the room when Lily strode in and plunked herself down in the front row as though she had every right to be there. I caught Sirius' eye for a moment and he looked nonplussed. Perhaps she had warned him about this stunt? Annoyed, I got out some parchment and a quill and did my best to ignore this unwelcome intrusion, but wasn't easy.

For one, Lily looked startlingly different from her normal self. While her hair normally reached the small of her back in long, full waves, it was shorter and straighter and complete with heavy bangs. Her eyes were rimmed in black and her skirt appeared several inches shorter than usual. She looked, for lack of a better word, hot, but who was she dressing up for? There were a grand total of three guys in the room, and I was fairly sure Professor Flitwick was not the object of her affection. Teacher's pet that she was though, she managed to cajole him into letting her stay for the detention fairly easily.

"Well you see Professor, I figure the fight was partly my fault as well…I mean, not to be presumptuous or anything but Sirius and I were putting on a bit of a display and that's what seems to have upset James…no no, you're quite right sir, I'm sure they will get over it as well, but I just thought it wasn't fair to let them languish here without me when I'm just as responsible…"

Once she had secured her spot in the room, Lily busied herself taking things out of her bag. We were meant to be working on written apologies to one another, as well as a reflection on the consequences of our actions, but I was focused on Lily and Sirius was staring out the window in a way you'd call brooding if you were being charitable and sullen if you weren't. Soon the only sounds in the room were the scratch of Lily's pen on parchment and the light pitter patter of the spring rain on the window outside. She finished one letter and set it out to dry before embarking on the other. When she was done, she folded them both neatly in half, addressed them to each of us, and deposited one in front of each of us on our desks before making her excuses to Flitwick and flouncing all too cheerily out of the room.

Disgruntled, but curious in spite of myself, I opened the note, which read:

_Dear James,_

_I just wanted to say sorry about the ball. I hope you won't hold it against me as the intent was not to upset you, but rather to dispel those silly rumors as they were actually creating quite a problem for me on grounds. Some blokes think it's really funny to harass lesbians, apparently, I guess in the hopes that if they wear them down enough they'll go out with them? It doesn't make much sense to me._

_I know what you're thinking. Although it would make this situation simpler in many ways, I am not actually a lesbian, so I haven't been rejecting you for years due to a lack of interest in your gender. Sorry. What Sirius brought to my attention recently, though, is that I may have a bit of a blind spot where you're concerned, and not in your favor. So with that in mind, I'm giving you another chance, and I hope you'll do the same for me. I don't think it's a good idea for us to go out after all that's happened, and I doubt you still have any feelings for me, but in a way, I think that's for the best. I'd like to get to know you as a person, James Potter. Sirius seems convinced, even now, that you're a bloody good friend. Do us all a favor and prove him right._

_All the best,_

_Lily_

_P.S. Join me for a drink at the Three Broomsticks tonight at 9 PM if you feel like getting to know me better – but make sure you apologize to Sirius first, as I've invited him, too! Cheers._

My head spinning, I set the letter down. I looked over at Sirius, who was still staring, albeit somewhat more serenely, out the window. I thought about going over to him and shaking his hand, ending this stalemate between us, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. My pride wanted him to apologize first. Shaking my head, I sank into my seat and groaned, burying my face in my arms.

**Lily**

I'll admit, as I walked back to my room, that I was feeling well pleased with myself. I hoped my apology would help repair the rift between Sirius and James, and I was optimistic that they would both meet me for drinks tonight. It was also Friday, and having just survived a few particularly nasty days in Transfiguration, I was more than ready to unwind. I surveyed my closet and finally decided on the little black dress that Alice had given me for Christmas, and that I hadn't been adventurous enough to wear yet. It was short and strapless, clinging to me in all the right places. I dabbed on some smoky grey eye shadow and admired the shimmer of the dress in the warm light of my bedside lamp, the way it accentuated curves I normally hid. Pulling on some black tights, I impulsively grabbed a pair of Alice's spiky black heels as well.

Still, the look was unfinished, not to mention showing a bit more of my breasts than I was comfortable with, even if I was trying to be adventurous. Rummaging around in Alice's closet again, rationalizing that she wouldn't mind because she was always haranguing me to dress up more, I grabbed a silvery sweater that hung on my shoulders just right and knotted in front.

"Perfect," I said to myself, adding a hint of lip gloss for flair. For once, the title of Gryffindor Ice Queen actually seemed to fit. I looked sexy and unattainable, like a good girl gone bad, which was excellent. I was so done being nice.

I was early to The Three Broomsticks, of course, and way too nervous for my own good. I sat at the bar and tried to act natural, sipping on a butterbeer and nodding my head to The Weird Sisters, the one wizarding band I knew. A few guys had whistled when I walked in, making me blush, but there was one at the other end of the bar that was checking me out more seriously. He was pretty cute, but I was too distracted to really pay him any mind until he signaled something to the bartender and headed my way with a glass of fire whiskey in hand. I looked around nervously for Rosmerta, the young waitress who stood to inherit her father's business, as we'd hit it off talking last week, but she was nowhere in sight. Sighing, I accepted the drink but told the young man firmly that I was waiting for friends, and he agreed amicably enough, saying that he had an errand to run anyway and he'd see me later if I was still there. I thanked him, and with a gracious smile he was gone and I was left to tap my foot in nervous anticipation and drain all of my drink in three gulps.

Almost immediately, I knew that that was the wrong move. I felt woozy and out of sorts, although thankfully not sick to my stomach. Since it was still ten minutes before nine, I headed for the bathroom anyway, thinking it might help to splash some water on my face. I made my way to the narrow corridor that housed the ladies, stumbling a few times along the way and attracting far too many lewd comments for my liking. By the time I got to the hallway, my cheeks were the color of my hair and I was still too embarrassed from my uncoordinated walk across the floor to pay much attention to my surroundings. That was my first mistake.

He came out of nowhere, the young man from the bar. It didn't occur to me until later that I hadn't seen him leave. My voice was silenced with a quick flick of his hand and I was disarmed with another, my purse which contained my wand flying uselessly away from me. I turned to run, but he grabbed me around the waist before I got two steps and pulled me into a side room I hadn't known existed. Disoriented and weak, I nevertheless tried to resist in any way I could, including biting, scratching, and kicking. It was all useless.

He muttered a spell at the door which I assumed would make the room soundproof, and then flung me into a chair. I tried to escape, but I was bound before I knew what happened. The young man, who had dark hair and glancing, hard grey eyes, locked the door carefully before turning back to me. With a start, I realized I could speak again, and "who are you?" dropped from my mouth before I could help myself.

The young man smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Let's not play games, honey," he urged me, unnervingly calm. "Does it really matter who I am?"

I fought as hard as I could to stem the tide of panic rising like bile in my throat. I wanted to say that it did matter, wanted to try to convince him not to do what I already knew was inevitable, but I couldn't find the words. Instead, all I could manage, in a small voice not dissimilar to my own, was, "please don't kill me."

His brow furrowed at this. "Kill you?" he repeated, as if the concept was alien to him. "That should hardly be necessary…unless you resist, of course."

My eyes closed involuntarily, and a few tears slipped out. When I opened them, the young man was leaning over me with his hand outstretched, as if to wipe a tear off my cheek. Instead, seeming to make a sudden decision, he grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked my head up to meet his.

His kiss was forceful, shoving his tongue down my throat, taking my lower lip between his teeth. When I didn't respond, he cuffed me, hard, across the cheek. My head was still reeling when he forced my lips back to his, and, face still stinging, I kissed him back helplessly, my bound hands balling into fists on each leg of the chair.

"That's better," he murmured, and set to work freeing one of my hands. My heart leapt, but the look in his eye warned me not to get any ideas. Instead, he kissed me again and tried to guide my hand downwards. When I struggled, he gave up on that and untied my other hand. I looked at him, confused, and he twitched his wand in a threatening manner.

"Stay still," he admonished, and bent down to remove my shoes, then my tights. I crossed my legs, but he merely slid his hand between them and ripped off my underwear with one painful motion. I still struggled, trying to draw my knees to my chest, but he forced them down and cupping my breast greedily with one hand, whispered "don't make me hurt you," before nipping my earlobe. I felt sick, but slowly relaxed my legs.

Immediately, the hand that wasn't pawing at my breasts surged upwards with eager fingers. He shoved two of his fingers into me without warning and I cried out in pain, which only spurred him on further. Leaving my sweater discarded on the floor, he pulled my dress down so that my bare breasts were exposed and, clutching me to him, forced his whole hand inside me. I screamed, and he flung me onto the floor, where I lay, dazed and sobbing, and heard the dreaded sound of him unfastening his belt.

"On your knees," he commanded, but before I could obey, the door burst open. I pulled my dress up to cover myself and scrambled into a corner, where I cowered with my hands over my head, too terrified to see what horrors I might yet have to endure. Dimly, I could make out someone saying my name in a roar of fury, but it all seemed to be happening very far away. There was a scuffle, and the sounds of someone falling, and I made myself look up.

Standing over my attacker with his features contorted in rage, his left hand bloodied and his right one raising his wand high in the air, was Sirius.

**James**

I was almost to Hogsmeade when they attacked. Three dark cloaked figures leapt out of the trees to ambush me. I managed to Stun one of them but was quickly disarmed, and caught a glimpse of silvery blond hair as one of them stabbed me between the ribs with a long dagger. I had just enough time to notice the intricately carved handle – what a strange detail to observe at a time like that – before the knife slid in and my world became nothing but pain. Laughing, the three hooded figures Disaparated with varying degrees of subtlety.

As I sank onto the path, my last coherent thought was of Sirius and Lily waiting for me. _Should have said sorry earlier, _I thought grimly as my vision faded. With everything I had, I fought to stay conscious, and in the distance, I thought I saw a person with a lamp hurrying towards me. I was close to the village, after all. I was slipping away, but I did hear a cry of shock and the sound of someone breaking into a run before it all went dark.

**Lily**

The first thing that I became aware of was the feeling of Sirius' arms beneath me, strong and sturdy, as he carried me back to the castle. I was wearing Alice's shoes and sweater again, although the tights seemed to have been forgotten in the bar, and Sirius had also wrapped me carefully in his coat. I whimpered against his chest, and his grip on me tightened.

"Oh Lily, love, I'm so sorry…I'm gonna get you to the hospital wing right now, okay? You're going to be fine. You're…you're bleeding a bit and you might have a concussion but I'm sure Madam Pomfrey can fix you right up and maybe even give you something to help you sleep…"

The thought of the kindly nurse seeing me in this state, of having to explain to her what happened, sent me into a tailspin, and I began to cry again. "Please...not the hospital wing…I can't go there right now, please…"

Sirius looked down at me, flabbergasted. "But Lily, you're hurt – "

"Please! I'll be fine, just…take me to my bed, please…"

From the way his brow tightened, I could tell he didn't like it, but he clearly didn't want to argue with me while I was in such a fragile state. I begged him several times to put me down, but he refused, even after we had climbed several flights of stairs in the castle and I could feel his arms shaking from my weight. Luckily, he seemed to know all the shortcuts, and we reached the entrance to the common room in no time. Then he did set me down momentarily, and, clambering inside the portrait hole, instructed me to wait there for a moment.

I did so, trembling, clutching his coat around me like a lifeline thrown to a drowning person. I leaned against the wall, out of sight of the Fat Lady, and let my eyes drift shut, but Sirius was back almost before I could let the horrible scenes of just a few moments before begin to replay themselves in my mind, clutching a cloak in his hands. I must've looked skeptical, because he gave me a tiny smile and said, "Not just any old cloak. I knicked it from James trunk, I think he'd understand, given the circumstances…this will allow you to get in unseen."

Relief flooded through me as I realized that I wouldn't have to explain my disheveled state to anyone in the common room, but it was quickly followed by panic at the thought of Sirius leaving me. Not knowing how to express this in words, I simply threw my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder, shaking my head violently. He seemed to get the message, and, casting the cloak over both of us, carried me inside and up the stairs to my dormitory (muttering some spell so as to avoiding the sliding staircase fate), which was mercifully empty. He left me briefly so that I could change my clothes, but came back when I called for him in a thin voice, too exhausted and in shock to cry. Instead, I simply crawled into my bed and motioned for him to join me. I immediately laid my head on his chest and clung to him as hard as I could, burying my bruised face in his sweet scent. He drew the curtains so as not to confuse my roommates and pulled the blankets up around my still-shaking frame, stroking my hair and murmuring sweet, meaningless reassurances into the night. A swift breeze struck up like a reckoning, blowing in from the open window, and with my head still nestled in Sirius' chest, I began, in earnest, to cry.


End file.
